


Between a Rock and a Hard Place

by NowThatsDedication



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Arkenstone - Freeform, Erebor, Everyone lives, dURINS - Freeform, idiot heirs, playing hot potato with a valuable object is not a good idea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 10:50:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11400999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NowThatsDedication/pseuds/NowThatsDedication
Summary: What happens when Fili and Kili get their hands on the Arkenstone? Distaster, obviously.





	Between a Rock and a Hard Place

“This throne could use a touch more luxury. Some pillows, a cushy foot stool?” Kíli settled himself into the huge stone seat and stretched his legs across its arm. “I expected it to be more comfortable.”

“Not supposed to be,” Fíli grumbled. “If you want to redecorate, do so to your own space,” he pointed at a smaller seat to the left. “Get your feet off.”

“Ohhh, I see. You don’t like me sitting in your future chair, do you?”

Fíli shook his head. “It’s neither of ours. Off.”

“Why? He’s not here, I’m just keeping it warm.”

“Thorin knows when you sully the throne of Erebor,” Fíli smirked. It was true; he always did, somehow.

Kíli sighed and returned his feet to the ground. A gleaming sparkle from above caught his eye. It was impossible to ignore. He defiantly plucked the stone from its mount. “I bet he doesn’t notice when I touch this.”

“Careful with that,” Fíli ordered, annoyed he had to remind Kíli of this rule.

“Only the greatest of care,” he promised. “It’s much heavier than it appears, is it not? It’s deceiving.”

“Don’t smudge it up with your dirty fingers.”

“They aren’t dirty! Relax, it’s ours, isn’t it? We can do with it what we like. Catch!” He tossed it to Fíli, whose reflexes were thankfully quick.

“I guess that’s true,” Fíli admitted as he admired its glow. It was almost hypnotizing, but not in that way, he thought. Nothing to go mad over. But it was sparkly….

“Hey, don’t hog it now!”

Fíli lobbed it back, caught up in the game. “It is a pretty little stone, isn’t it?” Kíli observed. “Could we maybe use it to impress the hard-to-impress ladies? Huh? Would you like to see my Arkenstone?” He raised a brow. “Think that would work?”

“That’s pathetic,” Fíli held back a laugh; he didn’t want to encourage him further.

Kíli shrugged and tossed it back. “Worth a try.”

“You’d only scare them away worse than you already do.” Fíli inspected it again then gingerly returned it to his brother.

“Uh huh. You throw like an elf, you know that? It’s a rock, not a bird’s egg. It’s sturdy,” Kíli taunted and tapped on it with his knuckles.

“It’s a _special_ rock,” Fíli said as he caught it, “like your brain.” He tossed it back to his brother, satisfied with his comeback.

“Very funny. It’s about as small as your brain. Small like all of you, really.” The Arkenstone glided back to Fíli.

“Well at least I...you're a...a…” Fíli threw it back, hard, against his better judgement.

Kíli, caught off guard by the force, fumbled. The stone slipped through his hands, onto the floor, toward the edge of the walkway. With what seemed like a determination to escape, it hopped over into the dark abyss. They both watched the faint glow grow smaller and smaller as it fell, until it could no longer be seen.

“I didn't know it could bounce.”

****

They rummaged in the depths of the mountain, through broken rock and debris, as if their lives depended on it. Because their lives did depend on it.

“I’ll be damned if this doesn’t feel familiar.”

“Shut up. If you hadn’t thrown it around like a piece of-”

“You threw it at me!”

“Look, we’re both in it deep, let’s not argue,” Fíli pleaded. “It doesn't matter who threw it where.”

They returned to their frantic search, kicking up parts of the ground and crawling around on all fours.

“We should be able to see it, it glows!” Kíli lamented, arms deep in a pile of rubble.

“It could have fallen deeper,” Fíli reasoned, “or -”

“Maybe it turned off.”

“I don’t think it works like that, Kíli.”

“Well if it shattered into several pieces, I'm claiming the biggest one.”

“I thought you said it was unbreakable?”

“How should I know?” Kíli paused his search to brush dust and pebbles out of his hair. “So do you think Thorin will at least let me pick out my tomb? I want one in a prime spot.”

“How are you able to joke around at a time like this?”

“I’m not joking.”

“He wouldn’t kill us, don’t be dramatic.”

“Maybe not BOTH of us…at once.”

“Then quit sitting around and moping! Keep looking!”

“Oh! I know! We could replace it with another rock. There's plenty down here to choose from. He might not notice.”

“I think he would know the difference.”

There was only one place left to look. An area they were avoiding; a dank pit with dark puddles of uncertain depths, foul odors, and perilously balanced boulders perched above it.

“It has to be in there, it couldn’t bounce that far.”

“Now if we can only get to it.”

Fíli stared at his brother.

“Nooo, not me! You threw it, YOU go in there! Also, you’re smaller, you can fit better. Don’t give me that look!”

Desperate to put this incident behind him, Fíli relented. “Fine, I’ll go, but YOU have to go up there and distract Thorin. He’ll be back soon.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Don’t let him see it’s missing. Keep him away. Divert his attention.”

“I can do that.”

“Good. Remember, if either of us fail, we’re-”

“Dead. Got it”

****

“Thorin! So good to see you!”

Kíli stood between the throne room doorway and his uncle. “You’re back early. How was your day?”

It was obvious from his face that it was not a good day. “There were orc sightings not far from the mountain.”

“Again? That's terrible news! Hey, do you ever wonder…” Just keep talking, he thought. This should be easy.

“What, Kíli?”

“Where do they come from? Orcs. How do they-”

“I think you’re old enough to know how that happens.”

“Oh, oh, no! I meant, yeah, I know about _that_ , uncle, I meant...hmmm, but you know, I’ve never seen a lady orc. So how does that work, right?” Nervous laughter echoed through the hall.

“How could you tell the difference? Perhaps you have,” said Thorin, clearly annoyed.

“Good point, they’re all so ugly anyway. Who’d want to get close enough to see their…uh…bits?” This diversion was going in a strange direction.

“Kíli-”

“Maybe they grow out of the dirt like vegetables. Orcs are really just turnips that were…umm…enchanted by evil, then they grow arms and legs and sprout out of the ground.”

“You have quite the imagination,” Thorin didn’t have time for absurdity.

“But it makes you think, huh?”

“No, it does not.” He was fed up with the nonsense small talk and about to get past Kíli’s one-dwarf wall.

“Wait! I have something I need to tell you. It's…uh, it's very important. And grave and troubling and it's weighed on my mind. All day.”

“What is it?”

He lowered his voice, “It’s Fíli.”

“What is wrong with Fíli?” Thorin asked, concerned.

“Ah, I shouldn't. I shouldn't betray him,” he stalled.

“What is it? It can be confidential, unless I must intervene.”

“Umm, oh, it's terrible. So very terrible.”

“What is it?!”

“He’s been…” what's the worse he could think of? What could possibly anger Thorin more than a misplaced Arkenstone? “I caught him looking at…elves.”

“What do you mean, looking at elves?”

“In, uh, in a way.”

“How so? In what way?”

“A romantic way?” He winced. Fíli might kill him now, unless Thorin got to him first.

Thorin’s eye twitched. He raised his fingers to his temple, as if trying to rub the image from his mind.

“I’m so sorry you had to hear it from me. But don’t let him know I told you.”

“Elves?”

He was throwing Fíli under the chariot, but this was definitely deflecting and distracting.

“Yes, elves. I’m very ashamed, as his brother. I didn’t want to believe he had such serious issues. I should be a better influence on him but-”

A commotion sounded behind them and Fíli scrambled out into the hall. Out of breath with soiled clothes, but very pleased with himself.

“Come on,” he grabbed Kíli by the arm, pulling him far from the scene of their misadventure. “I have something to show you. Oh, hello Thorin.”

“Fíli…” Thorin averted his gaze with a look of revulsion.

“Yes?”

“We shall talk later.”

****

“You found it? You found it!”

“Of course I did!”

“We live to see another day! Thank Mahal, oh, and your sharp eyes. Where was it?”

“Down in a pool of…I don’t know what.”

“It wasn't sewage was it?” Kíli cringed as Fíli’s hand patted his shoulder.

“All that matters is that it’s back and he’ll never know we almost lost it. Did you have to stall him for long?”

“Nope! We had some conversation and I was able to keep him away. He wasn’t too happy about it, but-”

“What did you tell him, exactly?”

“I did what you asked, I distracted him.”

“Wait, Kíli, why wouldn’t Thorin look me in the eye?”

“I, uh, well, I was trying to soften the blow. In case you didn't find it in time, or ever.”

“What did you say?”

“Oh, I, you know...I just…” He covered his mouth to stifle the giggling. Now that they were out of danger, it was hysterical to him. “I told Thorin you had a thing for elves.”

“A…a thing? You mean like –”

Kíli puckered his lips and kissed the air. Fíli punched his shoulder.

“Ow! What?” I thought he would be more upset over that!”

“So disgusting.”

“I know, but I was trying to buy some time! I’ll tell him it was a big misunderstanding.”

“You better!”

“Fíli, Kíli!” Thorin’s angry tone echoed with urgency.

“What did we do now? I thought you put it back!”

“I did!”

“Was it damaged or scratched or covered in sewage?”

“It looked fine to me.”

They entered with their heads bowed and hands clasped in front of them. The pair hadn’t mastered a way to hide their guilt yet when caught.

“Do you know why I summoned you?”

“Look, whatever Kíli told you, it’s not-”

Thorin rubbed the top of his head and held the Arkenstone in the other hand. “I sat down, on my throne, which has boot prints on it…” Fíli glared at Kíli, “...and this fell on me from above.”

“Ouch,” Kíli sympathized.

“Perhaps it was loose?” suggested Fíli.

“And do you have any idea why?”

“Nope, no.”

“Um, natural vibrations of the earth?”

“It is not a toy!” Their uncle roared.

“We know that. It’s a precious priceless treasure, a symbol of our magnificent homeland and our birthright to rule over the-”

“Don’t touch it again.”

There was no use protesting or lying. “We won't.”

Fíli nudged Kíli, prompting him to correct his reputation-ruining tale. “By the way, I was only kidding about Fíli and elves. It's not true.”

“That’s greatly relieving to hear. But stop with the childish insults and rivalries.”

“Naw, we actually practiced a lot of teamwork and cooperation today.”

“We work very well together, as you know. There was no ill will, we were just having fun.”

“Disgracing our kingdom with your antics is not _fun_.”

“Mmhmm, sorry.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t you have duties to attend to?”

“Uh huh.”

“Yes.”

They slunk out of the room, like they did whenever they were caught doing something they weren't supposed to.

“How did he know?”

“Maybe it gives him powers or something,” Fíli wondered, half-serious.

“We didn’t get any powers when we handled it.”

“You can’t disprove that we didn’t.”

“Oh yeah, you think?” The idea intrigued Kíli. “Try it then. See if you can read my mind.”

“Uhhh…I’m getting …nothing. But that still doesn’t prove anything, I mean, it is your mind I’m trying to read here.”

“Hey!”

Thorin listened to their bickering fade into the distance. “Fools,” he muttered as he wiped finger smudges off the King’s Jewel. He felt for the small groove on its side, one he had caused many many years ago. From using it like a spinning top, he reminisced. It had fallen rather far, too.

“Fools, all of us,” he chuckled.

 


End file.
